Many of us in families with aging loved ones have had brushes with a mentally ill family member. As our medical system for addressing and treating mental illness is is clearly broken, the worst effects of these illnesses can wreak havoc as the parents age. When chronic mental illness is present, things can get frightening and dangerous. Are there any solutions?
Facts From A Case Study
In this real-life scenario, Aging Mom (AM) and Aging Dad (AD) are providing a home for their mentally ill son, his wife and three kids. Son and wife are both unemployed and dependent on AM and AD’s support. Son’s symptoms have grown steadily worse and ever more violent, to the point that he physically attacked and injured his father. The police were called, but untrained officers’ intervention did not resolve anything. It did stop the immediate continuation of physical attack. AM and AD had not taken legal steps to force the son to move out. Instead, the family chose to live in fear under the same roof. AM described how they avoided all contact, sneaking out of their own home to avoid any confrontation with son. They had not taken any legal action against their son.
Why Don’t People Take Action?
Screaming man
Why do people allow a mentally ill family member to control them? Perhaps they feel a sense of guilt about being firm or taking any legal action because of the illness. It’s not the ill person’s fault. Perhaps they are reluctant to contact the D.A. to file charges against their own family member because it would make the issue more public. What if doing so caused their family member to face criminal charges and jail time? But how long should anyone tolerate being terrorized in one’s own home, while giving support to the person terrorizing them? These are complex emotional issues that affect decision-making.
Possible Solutions
Laws vary from state to state about how to control a person with serious mental illness. In every state, however, the courts look at whether the mentally ill person is a danger to himself or others. Clearly, in the case study above, son is a danger to AM and AD as well as his own wife and kids. When guardianship is feasible, that option should be explored and pursued. A guardian could, for example, take the mentally ill person out of the home and place them in a controlled environment, even if against their will. But if the mentally ill person can put on a good act before a judge, guardianship may not be an answer. Laws also vary among states as to whether one can force a person to take medication to help control the violent behavior. States address the issue of mental illness unevenly and sometimes without success.
The Recurring Problem With Mental Illness
Adult Child Who Wouldn’t Move Out
Here at AgingParents.com, where we advise families with elders, we have seen this issue of mental illness affecting decisions before the case of AM and AD. In one instance, the mentally ill son and his wife refused to move out when the aging parents grew frail and could no longer stay in their home. The parents needed to sell their home to pay for assisted living. We conferred with the family, and developed a legal strategy with them. There was emotional conflict among all the family members about what to do. But finally, one leader emerged and hired an attorney. The ill son and wife refused all warnings about pending legal action to remove them. When the sheriff showed up, they finally got in their car and left, cutting off contact with the family.
Sibling Abuse Of A Vulnerable Adult
In another matter, a mentally ill brother had been temporarily living with his disabled older brother. He was terrorizing the disabled person, who lived in fear and avoided him in all possible ways. In that case, legal action was taken to force the mentally ill person to move out. Fortunately, there was a wealthy sister, who provided a new apartment for the one evicted. At least he had somewhere to go. Too many of our mentally ill citizens are left homeless when their illness causes them to behave in such a way as to lose their housing. They are on our streets, often untreated and unmedicated. Knowing that this possibility exists is one reason people sometimes refuse to take any action to protect themselves.
The Choices
Sometimes the aging parents or other family members must make a choice: “it’s them or us.” They can choose inertia and fear, or they can empower themselves by learning their legal options and acting on at least one of them. Anyone putting up with abuse from a mentally ill family member must decide whether or not they are willing to put their own rights to peace above their relative’s right to do whatever they want. But making a decision to take action is so difficult for some that they do nothing. These sad, sometimes tragic situations persist because of reluctance, guilt, fear and discomfort. That unwillingness to take legal action can persist for months or even years.
The Takeaways
- Mental illness can be extremely serious when left untreated. Physical abuse can result. No self-respecting elder or other family member needs to put one’s self in danger out of guilt or fear. When emotions are putting one’s own safety at risk, professional counseling could help.
- Mental illness affects a significant part of our population. It can be managed successfully when the person is willing to accept treatment, which usually includes medication and talk therapy. If it is refused, there must be consequences.
- If there is a mentally ill person in your family making life miserable for an aging parent, please take legal action to protect your elders. Yes, it can be embarrassing, uncomfortable, and extremely stressful, but laws designed to protect vulnerable aging loved ones are there. Please use them.